Humor - The Chili Judge

(There is a little rough language in this story, but it is so funny)

Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named FRANK, who had moved to Texas from the East Coast:

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE:
A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO:
Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK:
Holy ••••, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE:
Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK:
Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE:
Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO:
A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK:
Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've have been
snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before
I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest. I'm getting ••••-faced from all the beer.


CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE:
Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO:
Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods,
not much of a chili.

FRANK:
I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it
possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills.


CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE:
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO:
Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne
peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK:
My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus
my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I
wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked
me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE:
Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO:
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic Superb.

FRANK:
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I ••••
myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
with a snow cone!


CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE:
A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO:
Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3,
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK:
You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
shirt is covered with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like •••• to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 TOM'S HOTTER THAN A TEXAS SUMMER CHILI
JUDGE ONE:
A perfect ending, this is a nice bland chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO:
This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have
reacted to a really hot chili?