|By Kinglear (Kinglear) on Monday, January 01, 2007 - 04:09 pm: Edit|
for all you who rang in the new Year just a little too exhuberantly, here are some hangover ratings. Sorry, no cures, just warnings for next year
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well
However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this
way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have
the mental capacity of a staple gun.
The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is
still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 a.m. Waffle House
excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink.
Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy
reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a
diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you
might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given
you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't
hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies,
it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your
eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is
in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five craps you take during the
day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore
and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your
mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop
fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue
is suffocating you. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like
discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over
your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Indubitably< /FONT>
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
2. Nope, no more booze for me
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type
4. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight 5. Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing